Macrocosm/Microcosm

I started this blog with the intention not to share my story but what I have learnt from my experience. Part 2 was set to be about the macrocosm/microcosm and the invaluable tool it has been for helping me to navigate my healing process. It took believing I could get around sharing to make this blog happen, but as the issue of violence against women reclaimed public attention, my attention was drawn to the nature of my reluctance to open up. Now, having served its purpose, that layer of protection has shed. One aspect of human consciousness that fascinates me most is how we can be so blind to something that becomes blatantly obvious the next moment. One of many aims for this series is to exemplify my own experience of healing. How it continually blows my mind open to my misconceptions and the interconnectedness of everything. My hope is that sharing contributes, in some way, to increased awareness and healing.

When I hear words like “healing”, “journey” or “spirituality”, I tend to conflate them with airy-fairy, ungrounded, new-age fluff and have to remind my ears not to switch off because I know their significance. If I lose myself in preconception, I play a role in their potency being lost. Words are powerful. They carry different meanings for different groups and individuals but they are also just words. Communication is key, with others and introspectively, so I will make a point of explaining what I mean when it seems appropriate.  

To me healing is a process, it is not about finding ultimate resolution or becoming whole. It is about better understanding my protective mechanisms, helpful and otherwise (like the examples mentioned above), how and why they become activated and what they are protecting me from so that I can have more autonomy and experience more of what life has to offer. It is an ongoing process. I stumble as much as I succeed and my ego gets bruised often but that’s life. Living in fear of being hurt, in my experience, is a far worse option and leads to more hurt in the long run.

The notion that our perception of the wider world mirrors our internal truth has been well documented throughout history. Long before humanity had the tools to measure wavelengths, energy and matter, when man was far more attuned to nature, this concept was being used to broaden humanity’s understanding of itself and the wider universe. First documented in ancient Greek philosophy by the likes of Socrates, Plato and Pythagoras. The concept of the macrocosm/microcosm, something large scale being representative of something smaller scale and vice versa, has been fundamental in guiding philosophical exploration. Associated with most ancient schools of thought and religion, referenced in occult doctrine and by the likes of Albert Einstein, Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud. In Yogic and Ayurvedic philosophy, the idea is presented in terms of the universe being reflected in the human body. The way in which this concept spans time and space is indicative of its value. We can use the macrocosm of society and the wider world to gain insight into how our perspectives as individuals, groups and as a collective have been shaped over time. We can use it as a tool to navigate the unravelling of our own misconceptions in the here and now. We can use the insight gained to deepen our understanding of the mechanisms of society and the wider world.

In 2017, I sat and watched “Me Too” play out with some dismay. Early on in my healing then and much more naïve, I had high hopes the world would miraculously change. Fast forward almost seven years now, with a firmer grasp on reality, I understand that change happens incrementally. With hindsight, I see that “Me Too” was a catalyst, like those before it, to prompt a shift in public perception drawing society’s gaze to the tip of the iceberg of violence against women. Since, the likes of Grace Tame, Brittany Higgins and Nina Funnel have been instrumental in drawing media and public attention to various aspects of the pervasive issue, including childhood sexual abuse. Now it’s back in the spotlight for a day, a week, a month, who knows. This time domestic abuse is being highlighted. As the layers of denial gradually unravel, more of the truth is revealed. It is a harsh world out there.

History is predominantly man made. We live in a predominantly male ruled world. One that has inflicted a lot of pain and suffering onto men, women and children. The consequences envelope us all. We each carry a unique impression of history, instilled through ancestral lines and lived experience. Genetically, we carry time immortal within us. Consciously and/or otherwise, we are ALL influenced by the past. It is an aspect of being human no level of wokeness can place us above.

Until thirty years ago, rape was still deemed acceptable in parts of Australia. Marital rape was criminalised, in all states and territories, between the years of 1976 and 1994. Before that, rape was legal in every household in Australia. Things have only begun to shift in the last 50 years. In tackling this issue, we have the whole history of human evolution to contend with. The imprint of humanity’s past is clearly evident. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics; 1 in 5 women has experienced sexual violence since the age of 15, and 1 in 4, violence at the hands of an intimate partner. This however, in no way reflects the true magnitude of the problem. It doesn’t account for the women who experience recurrent rape, abuse and sexual assault across the lifespan or those who do not report. It does not account for the women and children in countries less fortunate than ours. The western world eventually determined women should have rights. Now we slap band aids on the issue with various policy reform but whether or not we ought to have autonomy over our bodies is still debated. The depth and magnitude of the issue are all pervasive. The government can only do so much.

When repressed memories of my trauma began to resurface, in 2016, the experience was disorienting. While this kind of detachment is not uncommon, I haven’t heard it spoken about in much detail. You hear things like, I froze, I could see what was happening but couldn’t do anything about it. It was like a dream, happening in slow motion, the memories resurfaced etc. All of which are true for my experience now, but for a long time I had no awareness of any of it at all. The ability of the mind to protect itself is mind-blowing, much like that of the collective’s. I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given to come to know it firsthand.

In the years leading up to it, I would occasionally receive benign, little snippets of information; visions, a gasp, a few words, a sensation (what I now know were ‘flashbacks’) that interrupted me in a noticeable enough way to lead me to question their origin. I would search for movie quotes, and strain my brain to understand how, why and when I was peering into these familiar settings. When alone, these thoughts rolled around my mind but knowledge of these experiences evaporated in the presence of others. More snippets gradually coalesced over time, forming coherent enough blocks to unlock realisations. The awareness would come and go. I’d be certain, then question myself and then forget altogether. Acceptance did not fully sink in until the memories of the actual abuse surfaced to form something concrete.

When my grandmother was ill with dementia in 2022, I watched her grasp at the memories for a moment before she let go in order to maintain her sanity. She looked at me with a fear in her eyes that I knew. The lapses in time that surrounded the events themselves would resurface at indiscriminate intervals, around other fragments as they merged, over time, to form something my logical mind could make sense of. Bit by bit, the memories still resurface, triggered by a thought, a sensation, a conversation, an incident that occurred/s in real time. I see the same mechanism in action, in the macrocosm, when a current event shines a spotlight on the wider associated issue. Our awareness broadens, to a point, then it slips back into relative unconscious until its moment comes again and deeper progress can be made. There is, of course, always much going on under the surface but the conscious aspect of healing, of large scale change, happens in increments.

In some instances, I have memories of coming to in stages that distanced me from the incident itself and allowed me to stroll back into the world as if nothing had happened. In other cases, there were questions I had no answers to. Trying to remember was mind-bendingly painful so I had to let the questions go. Blame myself, make a joke about my brain being broken. I wasn’t half wrong. In one instance there was direct evidence staring me in the face. I remember feeling like the bathroom was spinning around me as I warped myself into believing it was some kind of mystical experience. In hindsight the level of denial is astonishing.

“Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It protects us until we are equipped to deal with reality.” – C.S. Lewis

Schema is a word that has stuck with me since I was first introduced to it. In psychology, schemas describe the mind’s way of compartmentalising and storing like information ready for retrieval when necessary. The organisation of the mind is so genius. It seems like utter chaos but makes perfect sense. It takes expert support, and a lot of time to manage complex trauma. To create a grounded, safe space for the protective barriers to unravel but it is the natural mechanism of the body and mind once it is in a calm enough state.

This is how I would describe my personal experience of it. Me being the microcosm, a central core (my authentic self), connected to and orbited by fragments of a shattered mirror. These mirrors rebound, reflect and inverse reality to form a skewed perspective, that protects my core and my deepest vulnerabilities, from the harsh truths of the external world (society, and the macrocosm). These fragments contain various attributes of myself, ejected as protective mechanisms during traumatic experiences. They keep the world out and me in. They help to facilitate the repetitive, self-destructive behavioural patterns that keep me stuck and prevent me from self-actualisation, that draw me into situations that will inevitably cause more pain, discomfort, humiliation etc, inviting me to self-reflect and make changes. It is easy to blame them, the situations or the people I perpetuate these cycles with, but to me that is disempowering. Instead I have come to understand these situations or people, as signposts, helping to guide me through misconception and denial, to connect more deeply to myself and my truth.

When I experience recurring heightened emotions pertaining to something or someone, when something in the public sphere draws my attention. When I hear, see or do something repetitively, I try to pause and reflect. I question what the experience, I’m having, has to reveal to me?

The answer almost never comes instantaneously but over time, it begins to unravel. It's not just trauma but life in general. Something interesting I have found through the process of unravelling, so many layers of misconception, is that each layer contradicts the last. That the genius of the mechanism is to create conflict, indecision, to prevent forward movement in an unconscious attempt to protect against potential future harm, whether real or imagined. I can’t be mad about it because, dysfunctional as it might be, the mechanism has the overarching purpose of driving me towards situations that offer the lessons necessary for me to recover myself, with the added bonus of what was gleaned in the process. It does not negate the emotional experience of being human, but it does enable enough detachment when the time is right to work through the issues. I don’t expect others to necessarily relate. It’s just my truth, my experience, coming from the perspective of immense privilege. Not everyone gets to opt out of the cycle of abuse. For those of us who can, it is important to find the balance between self-compassion and taking responsibility for our own actions.

We cannot approach an issue as deeply seeded as violence against women from a human perspective. We must detach emotionally in order to address issues that are charged with such emotion because fear and pain cloud our vision. We can never blame a women for being murdered, beaten or raped, it is never her fault. But at the same time, one is only able to take responsibility for one’s contribution to anything. We only have the power to change ourselves, our thoughts, beliefs, actions and behaviour. If that change ripples out into the world, great, but one has no control over that. I acknowledge that I played a role in my experiences. I was naïve to the reality that we exist in. I thought I was invincible, that it would never happen to me, I ignored my intuition putting myself in vulnerable situations. I didn’t know myself, didn’t love myself and I accepted it. I had no choice in the matter and none of it was my fault, and I had no awareness of any of this at the time, but I am the one dealing with the repercussions and with the power to change my circumstances. Of course not everyone is so lucky.  

What I continually seem to hear, is females speaking about being told that they need to change their tone of voice, their approach, to be less shrill, more logical, less emotional and how that attitude is so indicative of the wider issue. And I agree but I also whole-heartedly believe that within the issue lies the solution and learning how to communicate effectively is a necessary starting point. Whether it be the trauma, the disconnect from my femininity, at a young age, as a protective mechanism, the fact my genetic makeup is inherently more logic based or that my experiences and society have moulded me to pander to male preferences (I assume it is a combination of all of the above), as I reconnect more deeply to myself, I have come to accept that I am who I am, a product of my genetics, my circumstances and my experiences and that my voice and the perspective that I hold, is one many women refuse to have for good reason. I wouldn’t expect anyone to mould their tone of voice, to abandon themselves in order to get a point across but given that this is my voice, I feel a sense of obligation to contribute so that the men I know grow to understand the implications of their unconscious beliefs and associated actions, and to encourage them to self reflect on their preferences for female behaviour, on their beliefs about women in general, because the typical male preference for female behaviour is a product of abuse. While they may not rape or abuse women they still contribute to the issue, we all do.

TO BE CONTINUED.