Mind/Body/Earth Connect-Disconnect

I had a bit of writers block with this post. Not due to a lack of content to share but confusion over where to start. I could, and likely will, write a whole book on the subject at some point. After many attempts and never really feeling it or finding direction, on my most recent drive to Sedona, I asked the universe for some guidance. Within moments, a car drove past with the number plate BC followed by a bunch of numbers of little significance. I was like okay great, I plan to head there soon, thanks for the confirmation but that’s not what I meant. Soon after though, thoughts of my first time in British Columbia came to the fore and it dawned on me that, in part, it was there that this journey to re-establishing a connection to myself began. Talk about coming full circle.

In 2015, I did various trips around the US and Canada. Fell in love with both and had contemplated staying on, getting a Canadian work visa and extending my trip. It didn’t happen then. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had a whole lot of self-work and healing to get done to reach a level of enough stability to make building a life in another country feasible.

Life has delivered some pretty significant blows (as is true for most). Blows that shot me out of my body, disconnecting me from it, myself and reality. The nature of sexual abuse, rape and assault, trauma in general for that matter, is that it disconnects us from our body. We dissociate, to varying degrees, to protect the mind and our sanity from experiences that might otherwise break us. It is an incredible mechanism of the mind/body. The same mechanism that puts a bird into shock when it flies into a window, survives and needs a moment to acclimate before coming back to life. This mechanism provides us time to integrate experiences that fundamentally challenge our perception of reality.

After spending a good seven weeks go, go going, learning, meeting new people, consuming content up the wazoo, overdoing it, not getting nearly enough sleep and eventually making the quite-rash decision to stay on in the US, I travelled back to California where a great friend of mine offered me support, stability, a place to rest and figure out my next steps. I, as is often the case, had planned to hit the ground running and create, create, create. I was buzzed by my recent experiences and the new opportunities opening up. What I did experience when I stopped for a moment however, was complete and utter exhaustion. My life tends to move in these cycles; periods of high energy, inspiration and motivation followed by troughs of adrenal fatigue. I have become much better at managing it, over the years, but the cloud nine I was experiencing meant a crash was inevitable. Thankfully, the years of work towards habit change, self-love, compassion and self-care have now become my autopilot. Still, human as I am, I fell back into some old, not-so-healthy, behavioural patterns. I overindulged in an easily accessible vice that the US provides in abundance, spending a good portion of my three week stint in California relaxing/napping. I needed this down time to properly integrate the experiences I had just had and rest in a state of suspended reality until inspiration and motivation returned, and return they have. It was a stark reminder of how easy it can be to slip into old habits but, on the flip side, provided the inspiration for this blog.

I see almost all issues through the lens of addiction. It’s something being reflected back to us constantly through the macrocosm of society. Through the prescription medication and opioid crises sweeping the world and the ever divisive conflicts that are so tempting to get dragged into. Whether it be food, work, exercise, our electronic devices or inability to stop consuming content, drugs, alcohol, entertainment or porn, unhealthy behavioural patterns in relation to self, others or the world at large, addiction is a symptom of a more deeply intrenched issue and not the root cause. We use addiction to distract us from some of the less than ideal realities we face as humans. We use our vices to numb, to make situations, that might not otherwise be, bearable. Not purposefully, for the most part, but unconsciously because the habit was formed at some point, but why? Though we live in a time with more information and knowledge about our health than ever before, our health continues to decline. Information regarding how to care for ourselves properly is readily available and yet we don’t, which indicates the greatest problem we face, as a collective, is not a lack of know-how but a lack of autonomy.

Autonomy, or free will, is a highly debated topic amongst philosophers. Do we have it or not? What are the driving forces that influence behaviour? What causes us to self-sabotage, to act outside of our best interests, to lose ourselves in relationships, to over consume, to treat our bodies with disrespect and reach for distraction from the present moment? Of course instant gratification factors in, I’m sure smoking crack for the first time feels terrific. But once we know the harm we are inflicting upon ourselves, what is it that allows us to so readily compromise our health? Arguably the most valuable thing we have.

Addiction, from my perspective, having lived through it and still challenged by it day to day, to distract from discomfort felt within mind and body, is, in my experience, a symptom of the unconscious need to avoid the realities of the past and the impact they have on us. The impetus for this behaviour stemming from, you guessed it, trauma.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, trauma disconnects us from our bodies, the physical representation of who we believe ourselves to be. If unresolved, this disconnect is perpetuated, increasing the chasm between the actions we take and those that would be of most benefit. We lose our ability to advocate for ourselves. Trust and faith is lost, we get stuck in a vicious cycle of self-abandonment and life spirals out of control. So how do we turn it around? Well, it’s complicated, it takes a lot of time and hard work but there are some simple things we can do to interject and get the ball rolling in a more positive direction. One of which I want to share a little story about. This is where my experience in BC factors in.

When I say that my journey of reconnecting to myself began there, it did not begin with me. My reconnection to self began with my surroundings. It was triggered by a particular experience I had with a chance (or not so) romantic encounter and a trip into the wilderness enhanced by a particular substance. Although my relationship history is fairly in-comprehensive, each romantic connection, long or fleeting, has contributed some kind of invaluable lesson/s. Something pertinent to my bigger picture.

I arrived in Vancouver with my brother, we explored for a few days before he left and I carried on solo which is when I met, let’s call him, Bert. We went on a couple of dates before taking a weekend camping trip to some hot springs, somewhere near a lake, a couple of hours drive from Vancouver. Very picturesque. We each took a tab of LSD on the second day.

As a side note: Part of me is reluctant to disclose my occasional use of hallucinogenic substances over the years. Historically, I have felt a little shame associated with it, however they have significantly contributed to my process of healing and avoiding the topic completely would be remiss. I am encouraged by the wider acknowledgement of their value amongst the scientific community, in recent years, as a complimentary treatment for mental health issues such as PTSD. For me, they have facilitated access to insight in areas I could not otherwise see at times when I felt blocked by what was blinding me. I would never recommend the use of such substances willy-nilly, the experiences I have had are profound, even life changing but their use is not to be taken lightly and it can be scary. I would suggest researching the topic thoroughly and using them under the guidance of a trained professional ONLY. These medicines are sacred and should be treated as such, misuse can lead to a plethora of complications, some that cannot be undone. Don’t do it unless you are well informed and always seek professional help first. I cannot stress this enough.

This experience was a pivotal moment in my life. I had experimented before but never out in nature like this. This was the first time I really and truly connected with nature since childhood, having spent the majority of my teens and early twenties dislodged from myself. I have had many profound experiences in nature since without the use of any substances so I’m not saying hallucinogenics are necessary to have these kinds of experiences. I also feel those that I have had without have been as, if not more, profound, nourishing and beneficial.

Disclaimers out of the way, back to the story.

There was a steep walk down to the hot springs where the acid started to kick in. We were in conversation with a couple. The man, who was busy big-noting himself to Bert about active, nature-guy stuff, began to look like a little leprechaun sitting on a rock. I couldn’t handle it anymore, without giggling, so we decided to make the steep trek back to the campsite before things got too weird.    

Our camp was at the cusp of a very steep forested slope. We were lying in the back of the truck, heads facing out, looking into a valley of completely uniform pine tree-trunks, chatting a bit but mostly giggling. Suddenly a bird zoomed towards us through the trees, making a whistle-cluck noise as it swiftly changed directions and darted horizontally, to the right, out of our line of vision. This scene tapped me so deeply into the present moment. I felt like an avatar, experiencing the realness of three-dimensional space with precision clarity for the first time. This enticed us to get out into the forest and explore. We walked through the campground, to its end and kept going through an empty site that lead into the forest, eventually reaching a wall of thick brush that stopped us. As I was looking at the thick matted mess of twigs and leaves, my eyes were drawn towards a very-real looking pathway opening up in front of me. I pointed it out to Bert who looked at me like I was crazy and responded. “What path? There is no path.” But I was adamant and beckoned him to follow me. I led the way as we rustled through the bushes and broke through to a fire access road. The break in trees, provided by the road, allowed a view up the opposite slope covered in the same tall, uniformed pines we had been viewing from the back of the truck. They took the form of swaying bears dancing in sync perhaps to the rhythm of nature, my imagination or both. It made me laugh out loud and hearing myself felt odd, but so did everything I was experiencing so I didn’t cling to it long. We continued on our way a little further, not too far, as it was getting on in the day. I had completely lost all concept of time and space. Bert had to remind me that the sun was our light and only hope to make it back to the campsite as we hadn’t brought our head torches with us. I was so enthralled by the surrounding Pacific North West, enchanted rain forest. The thick spongey humus, the moss, the fungus and the life teaming all around us. Putting my faith in Bert to manage what sunlight we had left, I spent the remainder of our time, nose to surface of a large old tree stump. Taking it in with awe, I witnessed thousands of tiny mouth like pores opening and closing in sync, breathing together. I was coming, for the first time, to the realisation that the whole world is a living breathing entity. That everything is alive and connected, even me. Something that I hadn’t been privy to previously. It re-awoke a yearning for nature that I hadn’t experienced since I was a little girl and had been obsessed with the idea of visiting the rain forest. Realising that dream only once, in Tasmania, on a trip with my family when we took a short sea-plane flight to a boardwalk on the bank of the Franklin River. It led to a freshwater pool and waterfall where we scooped handfuls of the most delicious water I had ever had the pleasure of tasting.

When I was really little I loved nature but that part of me was deeply buried, over the years, as I detached further from myself. This experience helped me to reconnect to that spirited younger me, her sense of wonder and adventure.

There is more to the story but it doesn’t seem relevant now and I’ve rambled on enough. The moral being that this marked a turning point. I spent the majority of the next five months exploring the natural beauty and wonder of Canada and the United States which I attribute to what happened next.

Near the end of my trip, I had my final encounter with a sexual predator. I won’t go into details now but similarly to my previous experiences, I froze and did some mental gymnastics to deny what had occurred. I blocked it out. The noticeable shift was after the fact, as I began the process of enriching my world and nurturing myself. I experienced the healing music of the Toronto Symphony Orchestra and the song of the impeccable lead violinist, Jonathan Crow. I was moved by the moody seascapes of a J.M.W. Turner art exhibition. I felt the spray of Niagara Falls on my skin, a dream of mine since learning of its existence, on the The Nanny, as a kid. I started working out at the YMCA and spent my free time visiting the animals at Riverdale Farm, or sitting by the pond and plotting my my career path. Something I had never even considered before. Through nature, I reconnected to myself enough to learn that I was worth more, that my past experienced didn’t have to dictate my future. And although I was unaware of any of this at the time, the memories would begin to surface in 2016, the foundation was set. The ball began to roll in a more positive direction. My trajectory had shifted with no force on my part. It was the loving touch of the world around me that redirected my path.

Nature continues to be one of the most influential factors in my recovery. The more connected to myself, the more embodied I become, the more autonomy I have, making better decisions for myself, my health and my future. I reach less for distractions from the present moment and spend more time focused on where I am. Which according to most psychologists, spiritual gurus and religious doctrine is, in large part, the point of living. Finding the right balance between being and doing; consumption, rest and output. There must be a happy medium and the state of the world is a great indication that we, the global population, are way out of whack. I’m not going to pretend like I have it figured out, I surely don’t, but the more time I spend in nature, the more deeply I connect to myself. The more time I spend in a state of balance and good health, physically, mentally and emotionally. The more dedicated I feel to aligning with my purpose and spreading awareness and the knowledge I have gained through my experiences and education.

Autonomy comes when we reconnect to who we are, it is developed as we deepen our understanding of ourselves, our wants and our needs and as we learn how to care for our minds and our bodies. Obviously willpower comes into play, at a certain point, but there are so many things we can do to cultivate self-discipline and make the process easier on ourselves.

We all know it by now, it’s not new news, nature is healing. It’s scientifically proven. What I hope is that through sharing my experience, I can bring more depth in understanding, some inspiration to get out in nature, and to adjust our perception of it. To reconsider it an integral part of who we are and begin to more tangibly experience the power of its influence.

To be continued..